Falling slowly - then remembering how to fly.

Tulip in full bloom, Paris.

"...Take this sinking boat
and ford it home,
we've still got time.
Raise your hopeful voice,
you have a choice;
you make it now..." - Glen Hansard, Falling Slowly

A few weeks ago I was watching Evening, the last film in which Vanessa Redgrave and her daughter Natasha Richardson appeared together. Before the film began, a trailer from Once played, along with Glen Hansard's Oscar-winning song Falling Slowly. The moment I heard the chorus, I burst into tears. You see, for months I've felt I was drifting so far off course, I wasn't sure how to find landfall again.

I've been overwhelmed with myriad expectations and writing deadlines. Even worse, while grappling with two stressful family issues, I have cast my own health and peace of mind aside. As a result, I've become physically - and emotionally - exhausted: barely sleeping, not exercising enough, not eating properly. With rare exception, I've been unable to quiet the thoughts and concerns constantly racing through my head.

Under the best of circumstances, I am hard on myself. While tolerant and forgiving of other's imperfections, I don't always allow myself the same leeway. I'm a perfectionist and that is trying. I always think I can improve on whatever I've created and keep working on it until I exhaust myself and finally just stop - stop writing; stop agonising that whatever I've created isn't perfect. Sometimes I set impossibly high standards for myself that require super-human effort, as well as cooperation from others (which isn't always forthcoming).

Certainly I have been aware that radical change was necessary: signs and portents along the way increasingly have demanded I pay attention. But even contemplating the actions required seemed too difficult, like hands against stone.

This weekend, I remembered vital advice, courtesy of Jen Lee and Jen Lemen: "What you think is a breakdown is really a breakthrough. So push through the hard parts."

On Sunday I took a long walk and thought about the seismic shifts needed to return to my own path - not the one criss-crossed with diversions that others mapped out for me. I remembered the timely message from the Adventurers' Club: "You do realize, Tara, that your batting average is 100% when it comes to prevailing in adversity, setbacks, challenges and recessions?" Happily, that's true.

In the process of reclaiming my life, I will focus more on work-in-progress and less on others' demands and expectations. I shall take steps to ensure that certain dream projects take flight. Crucially, I shall start saying no to requests by those who rarely reciprocate. I will stop giving time and energy to people who don't really appreciate the effort. I will take a step back from "negative nellies" who are quick to criticise, but disappear when praise is warranted.

And I'm going to stop blogging every single day. Some days I might post more than one piece; others - especially weekends, when it seems fewer people are reading - I may skip altogether. Watch for some new features and guest writers at Paris Parfait. Time to shake things up!

Comments

[Gillian daSilva]

Oh yes. Perfect words for Tara miss V!
Love Leonard Cohen. So much.
I love how his voice has matured to the scratchy depths of now.

[dutchbaby]

Dear Tara,

It sounds like your moments of introspection were healthy and fruitful. You are choosing you - always a good thing for someone as selfless as you. Heal, my friend, we shall wait.

[Rochambeau]

Dear Friend Tara,
I can tell by your words:

"I will focus more on work-in-progress and less on others' demands and expectations. I shall take steps to ensure that certain dream projects take flight. Crucially, I shall start saying no to requests by those who rarely reciprocate. I will stop giving time and energy to people who don't really appreciate the effort. I will take a step back from "negative nellies" who are quick to criticize, but disappear when praise is warranted".

That you are now in a good place.
So much you write I relate to.

About blogging.
I give myself a break not to be perfect and hope that my true friends like you that I have met, understand!!!!

Love to you friend,
I send you peace, my peace I send you!
Constance

[Di]

Congratulations! and well done for realising. Wishing you all the very best in the days, weeks and months ahead. xo

[susanna's sketchbook]

Oops! My comment disappeared...

Sending a big hug and waving the pompoms for you, Tara. A BIG YES to EVERYTHING you wrote in reclaiming your life. I think all of us at some point have to reassess what and who we have in our lives. Yes to spending your time doing the things that YOU love and with the people who smile when you enter the room. And that quote about breakdowns and breakthroughs...wow...I'm going to write that down. And A Fanciful Twist's Leonard Cohen quote is so good, too. Keep strong and be kind to yourself, Tara. :)

[Laurelines]

I'm so sorry to hear how you've gone off course, but very happy to hear that you know it and you're doing something about it, dear T.
We all do this, this going off course. The lucky ones, like you, find their ways back again.
I'm in your corner.
Love,
L

[amber]

"Time to shake things up".
I like that.

I am happy that you sound like you are remembering how amazing you are, and how freaking LUCKY anyone is to have you in their life.

:)

[Antipodeesse]

I really think I understand how you are feeling, as your thoughts mirror mine at the moment. Hang in there and take care of your needs: "Sisters are doing it for themselves!"

[Tongue in Cheek]

Tara, stand still, and soak in every kindness, tenderness, encouragement, blessing, cheer, comment, consideration, doses of love that you have given freely to others... you have a wide circle of friends, a loving family and we all want you to be, first and foremost, happy and healthy.
Your honesty is a beckon of light, even as you speak about yourself your words lead the way for someone to sort out their own path.
Stand still, dance, breath, and roar... be who you are, as you are and as you know you can be, by taking hold of that beautiful self that is you.

[Delorse]

Tara, I just found your blog a week ago, what amazing photos and good writing. I can't imagine blog posting every day, I am doing ok with twice a week. So I would understand cutting back on it if you are blogging every day just to get time back for yourself. Good wishes for getting yourself back in balance, and meanwhile I can content myself like another commenter above by reading all the past posts....

[Chris]

Hey, Tara. I wish you so many good and great things. We are our best advocate and nurturer. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

[Jeanie]

Oh, my dear -- so many of us have been there. And sometimes we are fortunate to discover while we can still do something positive to help pull it all back together. You've found that point, for which I'm grateful.

I must revisit this post with book in hand. During my wait in the surgeon's office today, I read a marvelous essay in Rachel Naomi Remen's "Kitchen Table Wisdom" about perfectionism. It hit me in such a personal way (for you see, I have often been that way, too), I marked it to return to, to journal on. She calls herself a "recovering perfectionist." An addiction of sorts, and one that sometimes causes us to pass up on the joy because the task to be done perfectly awaits. It hit me on the right day. Perhaps it's your day for that, too.

This post is aptly titled. You DO know how to fly; it's just time to remember how.

Peace and love. j

[tinker]

Oh Tara honey! You are such a strong and wise woman - so generous with your time and efforts, for so many - and hard as it may feel to take a step back right now, I'm hoping (and sort of betting) that you're going to feel so much better, once you've let some of that pressure off of you. I've cycled through that path before myself - until I either get off or fall off the bicycle. Periodically, I get back on, until I lose balance again...I think many women especially feel that pressure - to be there for everyone, racing to meet everyone else's expectations -- there for everyone, except themselves, that is -- and it must be even more difficult when you have deadlines hanging over you, even if they're for a labor of love - especially if you're feeling the pressure to juggle your personal life, and keep so many other balls up in the air at the same time. As so many others, I love reading your blog, seeing your photos - but not at such a high price to yourself! I don't think anyone would want you to feel that kind of pressure. Sending many good wishes for balance, good health and a light heart~XOXOX
p.s. I LOVE those Adventurer's Club messages from the Universe too - they make my day!

[judith]

Tara dear .. .

Your candid personal expressions touch so many, but this is clearly a time when many of us are feeling the need to whittle down to the essentials. As this world becomes more challenging , just pulling back to recharge the batteries which keep us functioning is a primary essential. We can have nothing to share without this.
Be kind to you - YOU deserve it!

hugs and hugs -

Judith

[Leau]

Courage my sweet friend, how can you read such lovely words from those who love you so much - like me!!- and not realize how much courage and heart and soul you have passed on to others. Now you can apply that to yourself with all the support in the world from us! That and a good dose of wabi-sabi, just lather yourself up in it and let it seep into your soul. You are good and strong and smart and able to make good decisions. Take care of every part of you sugar. I love you and will always welcome your lovely word stringing...regardless of how often you share. Blogging without obligation...just connection! smooches and hugs and everything that will bring you comfort and joy.
PS: I'm with Leonard and Vanessa!

[A Fanciful Twist]

Oh Miss Tara,

I sooo agree. I feel I have been doing the same thing in the last few months. Realizing I need to take back bits of my life. Actually in the last two years moer and more...

It is so touching to read your words, because you do show such a strong and lovely character, filled with optimisim and hope - dreams and love. Beauty and living. And when you talk about reclaiming bits and bobs, you know, it makes me feel great too, like a "wish" ticket or a free pass for those of use who are sargeants on ourselves, to take a step back and do for ourselves, and not feel guilty doing so.

I love that - a breakdown can really just be a break through. WOW. Isn't that just terrific??? Great way to look at it.

I adore you. Lots of love always, V

And in the words of Leonard Cohen -
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

[ally bean]

Me too. Exactly what you said. Forward ho!!

[Barbara]

You go, girl! Kudos! Huzzah! I think the internet places some insidious pressures on people and I'm happy to see that you are listening to yourself, the most important 'audience' you will ever have:) Interesting too, I think, that you write this just a few days after posting the photos by Fatima! (Later that day I was assisted by a sales associate named Fatima and I wanted to tell her about your post, but couldn't figure out the way to say it!) If you know of Nina at Ornamental.typepad.com, she posted a poem by Mary Oliver, "The Journey," on 3/26 that was really good ... your post reminded me of it! Take Care. Slainte.

[Patricia]

Tara,
The last two paragraphs are a prescription for us all. Good luck in the near future with the demands on your plate. Breathe deeply and smile.

Cheers,
P.

[julochka]

dear tara--what a beautiful, honest post. i would never have imagined that you ever had such issues. i think the impression you present here is one of being in beautiful control of everything, most especially your creativity. it's a relief to find that you're just as hard on yourself as the rest of us are. :-) i too get all balled up in high expectations and find it very difficult to remind myself (especially where work writing is concerned) that those expectations don't really match the reality. it's sometimes very blocking. but if you can work on it, so can i. thank you for that.

xoxox,
/julie

[Amy M]

I too have pulled back and away from the internet...blogging daily was never something I could accomplish...and now I'm lucky if I do a post once a week...I feel a shift in myself as well...I hear you on this post Tara...please take the time...please remember YOU and don't feel bad about it for one second. Your photography is just beautiful too;) xo

[Susanna]

Tara,
It was freakishly bizarre for me to read your blog today. I just came out of the same fog you describe - the exact, and I mean exact same sentiments and feelings (of course, you articulate them much more clearly!) you describe.

Like Damien Rice, Glen Hansard's lyrics are at once inspiring and imbued with pathos. Listen to Imogene Heap's lyrics in "Let Go." I often listen to this song when I am experiencing dark, introspective emotions that are, unbeknown to me at the time, crucial to my growing and inevitable transformation.
I hope the link below works. If not, please see the video from the movie "Jeux d'enfants" by good ole fashioned google searching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x52w8txtiQs&feature=related

And I recommend you read Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" and Eric Weiner's "Bliss," preferably in that order:)

You are a generous, artistic, intelligent, thought-provoking, socio-politically aware writer. I can't recall who said or wrote this (perhaps one of your savvy readers can help me here) but I like to think that the phrase 'we are always where we need to be' is true.

I have a tough time being in the present, which may be attributing to my overcommiting to myriad projects at work and at home. My mind and my thoughts are always focused on the future, but I have realized that there is only so much I can control about events, places, and people I have yet to experience. And when I get there, will I know I have arrived?

As always, thank you Tara for your insightful sharing.

[Gillian daSilva]

Tara,
You have always encouraged, solved problems, and been cheerleader for so many. It does take a toll when you give and don't get back. It throws the balance off. So when you constantly support, praise and enable others you are bound to sacrifice your own needs.
On the one hand, it is apparent that you are needed. That must feel good, and yet when the time comes to say no, you aren't doing it. You keep going.
Say no!
:)
Oh and we share something in common, that song makes me cry too. When I heard it, it cut me to the core. What a talent Glen is. Love him!
And you, but that goes without saying.
xoxoxoxxoxoxoxo
with extras for tucking into your pocket to see you through~
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo!

[Cheryl de los Reyes Cruz]

I'm rooting for you, Tara. Your words and images show an uncommonly keen and sensitive mind, and the life you've lived so far (what little I know of it) shows you have courage and strength. I bet, for you the best is yet to come.

[miss]

Dear Tara,
You are tremendously talented and as is the case with highly creative people
they give and give at their personal expense....its trite now but eat,breathe,
pray.......we will have a wonderful excuse for a celebration when we catch up
with you again!!
Love, Missy the bee lady from the bayou

[Yoli]

Tara you have Jordana's wedding coming up, one of the most beautiful of occassions. You have your book and your art. You are one busy lady but remember, above everything you must take care of yourself. The people who love you dearly, need you healthy and happy. Girl, grandchildren are in your future so get those check ups, go for those walks, get your vitamins and get that happiness back. Who matter and love you, will stay around.

Love you.

[Rosa]

Shake it up baby. I'm so glad to hear you have heard the calling and are going to begin taking care of yourself again. I think sometimes we get so darn caught up in the every day ups and downs that it's hard to stay in the middle. When the downs are more than the ups, or just overwhelmingly strong, we must remember that we have passed this way before and we too will overcome, somehow. You keep the faith in yourself and do what it takes to bring your health back. Remember, I'm your biggest fan and I know you will do just fine. big hugs. xo

[Helen]

Be happy...be kind to yourself...and do what you need to do. We all have to regroup, rethink, say no, and undergo personal metamorphosis from time to time. She who gives away all of herself has nothing left FOR herself. That is a hard lesson to learn and it took me about a zillion years to figure it out!

Your tulip photo is stunning, by the way.

Wishing you nothing but good thoughts,
Helen

[maddie]

amen

yes!

and i could eat that photo:)

[Elizabeth Rhiannon]

Good luck and good health to you, Tara. You need to take care of 'you'. I'm so glad you wrote this. There has also been a voice in the back of my head for the past couple of months and the warning signs are beginning to show. I take your blog as a 'sign' for myself as well and will begin today!
Thank you, Tara :)

[JanePoet ~ JP/deb]

Dear Tara ... I am proud of you for tapping into what you need to do for you ... because, as others commented on above, we need to care for ourselves.

Wrapping my arms around you from far away.

Love,
Deb

[Sue]

Last year, during the month of October, I blogged every day. It was exhausting trying to come up with content that wasn't just filler that I thought would be of interest to my readers for 31 straight days. At the end of the month, I said, "Forget this, one or two times a week, from now on." It was too much, blogging every day, and it left no time for "life," no time to create ... to paint, to design jewelry ... no time to breathe.

You have been blogging every day for a long time and none of your blogs are ever filler but always insightful and inspiring, filled with photos to delight the eye. That's a full time job, and in my mind, pretty impressive. And you have a "real" life beyond the blog too, how do you fit it all in?

After my one month blogging every day, I can certainly understand why you would need to take a break and not blog all the time. In fact, I think it's downright fabulous that you have decided to make time for you. Brava, Tara! Take care of yourself, your readers, the people who love being allowed a glimpse into your world, will be fine with less frequent posts. You just give all of us something to look forward to now. And I bet, posting less frequently will make your already fabulous and insightful blog, even more fabulous and insightful.

[Di Overton]

You go girl.
1. I do hope I am not a Negative Nellie, more a Positive Patsy :)
2. I never blog at the weekend. I used to worry if I missed a day blogging, life's too short.
3. It's hard when you strive for perfection. As the Dali quotation on one of my chairs goes - Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it. See I'm so not perfect I had to go to my website to check that one :)
4. Put yourself first sometimes it gives you chance to turn around and study those chasing you.
5. I am pissed off that they have moved the Bastille dates. Did they not realise I was going???

[Colette]

Dear Tara, I'm going through my own "shifts", so I understand only too well. I've been depleted by several things and certain people, and I'm now working to take back my self. Your emotional and physical health are the most important: only then can you give, if you so choose.
Love, Colette

[Sharon Stockwell]

Just more evidence that "you are at the right place at the right time". We need a big dose of your medicine! Best from Santa Barbara, s

[marilyn]

Tara, Thanks for sharing your soul and thoughts. It is a difficult road wanting to do it all and do it perfectly. I do the same thing to myself. Blogging less often is a good compromise. I will miss those days when you don't blog, but know you are doing what is needed for yourself. You are at the top of my list of favorites; so I am glad you will still be here. Take care of yourself; because if you don't, no one will.

[MiddleAgedWomanBlogging]

As I read this I felt such a connection. I have chills. I have tears. You have said what I have felt over the last year. Sometimes we just have to hunker down and take care of ourselves or we have nothing left to give to the ones we love. We must love ourselves first. Your blog gives me peace and beauty every day. I completely understand your need to take a break, sometimes we just have to step back. Your break will give me an opportunity to go back and read what I have missed in your earlier blogs! I come here for inspiration, thank you for that!

[elizabeth]

Your health and well-being is number one. Take care of yourself.

I love that song too. I've been singing it since I finally saw the movie last year. It finally occurred to me that I should check if I could buy it on iTunes - so now I have it. :)

[Blisschick]

Tara, Good for you. I recently did the same in terms of blogging -- cut out the weekends. Period. I need time to listen for poetry and time to work on my nuanced writing projects that are crying for my attention. Time to write in a personal journal! Time to watch the clouds drift over my head and listen to the migrating birds.

We all need those things, and when we give ourselves completely to others, we've got nothing left.

Take care. Much care. :)

[Anna R]

Wishing you all the best.

[jzr]

Something I've finally learned over the years ... no one is going to take care of you, except you and you can never take care of anyone else or your work or your pleasures if you can't take care of yourself. I've learned the art of saying "no" and gotten over the guilt. I'm a perfectionist too and yes it is a heavy load to carry around all of your life. Why keep doing it?? Few ever notice our imperfections because they are so busy trying to be perfect themselves. Take naps, read good books, eat good food and meditate.

[Jane Rosemont]

Tara, this is beautiful. I admire and thank you for your honesty and bravery. Please do take care of yourself. By all means say no to people who suck the energy out of you. You have so much to give, save it for those who appreciate you but especially save it for yourself.

[Christina]

Each time I read your personal words, there is never a wonder why I feel so incredibly close to you. I adore you, my friend. You come first, your health is number one. You can never go wrong spending time on you.

Whatever path you take, I support and respect that.
I appreciate you.
: )