This post is about how things aren't always what they seem. I am reminded of a certain California television personality, whose niece is my friend. The celebrity is making a lot of money, but most of it goes to his three ex-wives and his children. Then there was a woman I knew living at a prestigious address on New York's Madison Avenue. She had hardly a stick of furniture - every dime she made was diverted into her rent. For her, it was all about appearances. She figured if she looked and acted rich, people would start to believe she was and unique business opportunities would flow her way. I don't know what happened to that woman. My guess is that sooner or later she was forced to face reality and re-evaluate her choices. Outward appearances are one thing; reality quite another!
Today I found a ten-euro note carelessly tossed amongst some papers in my handbag. And my mind flashed back to 1999 in Santa Fe, finding a hundred-dollar bill folded in a suitcase pocket and breathing a huge sign of relief. My daughter and I lived in Santa Fe, but I wrote for an international company in San Francisco. We were totally dependent on my income, so if a paycheck was late arriving, sometimes money was tight.
When I found that $100, I had been at my wits' end - a long holiday weekend loomed, my only credit card was near its limit and while there were groceries in our little adobe house, I had very little cash to treat my daughter to a fun activity.
Seeing the ten-euro note today and remembering how I struggled financially as a single mom reminded me of how my fortunes have changed - at least for the moment. While I was paid a good salary, for years in San Francisco and for a year in Santa Fe, most of my money went for rent, utilities, food, health insurance and my daughter's school expenses, clothing, etc. No matter how much I earned, it was never enough.
After I'd convinced my forward-thinking boss that I could telecommute, we moved to Santa Fe, where the price of real estate was half that of San Francisco. I flew back to San Francisco for about a week once a month, during which time I hired our landlord's college-age daughter to babysit.
The arrangement worked well, as I was finally able to start saving money with the goal of buying a house. Then I met my future husband and a few months later, my daughter and I joined him in London. Again, my company allowed me to telecommute. While London was even more expensive than San Francisco, we were able to live fairly comfortably on two incomes - with two big disclaimers: I had to pay private tuition for my daughter at the American School of London, taking a huge bite out of my salary. And my husband was still trying to secure a complicated financial settlement following his divorce from his first wife, leaving him with shockingly high legal bills.
A life spent changing planes as a reporter has meant I have had lots of exciting experiences and adventures and acquired many beautiful and unique things. But property? That's something I have yet to experience. I've lived most of my life in cities, renting apartments.
When we moved to Paris, I found myself as a non-European Union citizen legally unable to work. Yet strangely enough, with foreign living allowances and my husband's employer paying part of the tuition for my daughter to attend the American School of Paris, we had a bit of a financial breather. After my husband and I married, for the first time in my life - other than when a rich former fiance would ask me to "choose anything you want in the store" when shopping in New York - I could buy something without anguishing over the price tag. For so many years, money or its lack had been a worrying constant companion, dishing out daily doses of grief.
So when people write me about some of the hotels I've stayed or places I've lived, implying that only the wealthy would be able to afford such pleasures, I have to laugh. Because you didn't know me when I was fighting my daughter's extremely wealthy father in court in Jordan, spending my last $5,000 on legal bills. You didn't know me when I went back to New York, leaving behind a high-profile job as a television reporter - taking my daughter and my pride but no money - because the financial settlement establishing a trust fund for my daughter's education was never paid. To enforce the court order would have required money that I didn't have to pay the lawyers to return to court.
You didn't know me when I was forced to sell my jewelry for a pittance to buy food for my baby daughter. You didn't know me when I had to sell books and CDs to scrape together money for diapers and a special anti-allergen powdered baby formula that cost $25 a can, lasting just three days.
You didn't know me nine years later when I had a painful breakup with a boyfriend and moved all the way across San Francisco Bay to get away from him. For four months prior to the breakup, I'd been unable to work while recovering from knee surgery. After borrowing money from my parents to pay the apartment deposit, I lived on disability income until I was able to return to work two months later. But this was a different job, in the marketing department of California's largest HMO. A discrepancy between the pay period's end when I would actually receive my paycheck and when the rent was due presented a problem. Again, I was forced to phone my parents for help. As you might imagine, they weren't pleased.
So many nights I would be despairing, wondering how I could make ends meet.
While things might be fairly comfortable now, that situation will change once my husband's contract ends. At this point my freelance income isn't enough to live on and we still have to agument our savings to buy property. As part of a financial settlement reached after much acrimony and massive legal bills, my husband gave up 40 percent of his future pension and most previous assets, including his house and car, to his ex-wife.
So when you think we're living the high life in Paris, think again. Despite contributions by my husband's employer, we're paying the bulk of private college tuition for my daughter, as well as a monthly allowance for her apartment, utilities, food, transportation, clothes and books. We're managing just fine and I'm not complaining; I know we're lucky at the moment.
But if something happened to my husband, I could not afford to live in Paris. I'd have to move, probably back to London or the US and find a fulltime job, unless my freelance income improved dramatically or my upcoming book was an instant success. I worry how we'll be able to afford a house. I worry what will happen if one of us gets seriously ill. I worry if I'll have to sell our beautiful antiques and sentimental items collected from my travels.
At the same time, having moved so much in my life and lost so many material things in the process, I know that I could start again from scratch, if necessary. I hope it never comes to that, but if it did, I could handle it. Because I am not what I own or where I live. My worth can't be measured in terms of finance, but in what I contribute to the world; what I give of myself. So there have been times in my life when I had plenty of money and times when I had very little. Either way, I am the same person.
Tara, such a poignant post, mirroring my life as a single mom. Years before, I was the most comfortable of all my friends. Chasing dollars did not fill the huge void I encountered living in a rough marriage. So many unjust misconceptions are sadly made by others, and can be hurtful too. I've excluded important personal factors from my blog, because like you, they don’t define who I am. Some things must be protected from judgment. I thank you for this brave post, and wish you abundance of love, health and money! Like The Bold Soul I was going to suggest the movie “The Secret”. I’ve purchased a copy as a gift for my brother, and plan on watching it with him. I know the concept, and have heard it has done wonders for others.Life really is a mystery and you just never know what's around the corner!
Love to you dear....I have a slightly better understanding of why you are so special! Sherrie
Posted by: giggles | 25 November 2006 at 07:53
Dear Tara, thank you for sharing your past financial hurdles and future financial worries. You have helped this blog friend to realize we are not swimming alone in this vast sea of uncertainty...my chest tightens every time I remember my financial past and even more when I wonder about my financial future...My husband always reminds me to not look back and enjoy today because today is all we are certain of...Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family...hugs
Posted by: mary jane | 24 November 2006 at 22:23
You have expressed yourself very eloquently in this post and it is a very good prelude to Thanksgiving reminding us all to be grateful for what blessings may come along in our life and to never give up. Carpe diem! Tomorrow never comes and yesterday is only the past. Cheers.
Posted by: Mike | 24 November 2006 at 20:50
While I live in France with my husband, we certainly don't have much available as far as finances go. Still, I love my life now. It is so much fuller and more free since moving here. I was married before with a lot of money but my life was almost barren, inside me, except for my children. I certainly learned that richness in life doesn't come from money.
Posted by: Linda | 23 November 2006 at 14:46
Dear Tara, I have read your blog without fail since I discovered it a few months ago. I now know why I love it so much, today's post. I needed to hear that today and I appreciate your willingness to share from such a deep place. I also saw a post on Bird in the Hand with one of your quotes, so it's kind of been a "tara" day. I'd send cranberries from Albuquerque if I could. Happy Thanksgiving and thanks!
PS; Yes I know my name looks as if it should be a noun and not a name! Cajun dad, what can I say.
Posted by: Leau | 23 November 2006 at 04:53
such raw,honest emotions... so so well said... and as they also say.... been there done that...
and I too would give it all away... just as long as i can keep my precious memories and family. Thank you for this thanksgiving post.
Posted by: diana | 23 November 2006 at 03:44
Just another reminder that not all things are as they appear; especially within the blogging community it is easy to make judgement on other people's lives that are rarely congruent with reality.
This was very honest and personal post, wonderfully written as usual, and it just shows that in order to live a fulfilled and rich life you don't need to be rich in the financial sense.
Posted by: Kerstin | 23 November 2006 at 02:06
A wonderful post, Tara, reminding us all of two very important things - that fortune means more than material wealth, and that life and its fortunes (good or bad) are not static, but ever changing. You share your experiences so generously, and so beautifully - as your friends and readers, we are indeed fortunate to have found you!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
~and say Hi to Susan for me :)
Posted by: Becca | 23 November 2006 at 00:10
As usual, very VERY well said. Amen, sister.
If you haven't watched it, you might want to check out this little pay-per-view (only $4.95 US) movie called The Secret (www.thesecret.tv). It's really helped me put my financial situation, where like you I struggled for most of my life, in a whole new perspective.
Posted by: The Bold Soul | 22 November 2006 at 21:40
"My worth can't be measured in terms of finance, but in what I contribute to the world; what I give of myself."
Exquisite! Thank you! (May I borrow that quote sometime, with appropriate attribution?)
-- f
Posted by: Footpad | 22 November 2006 at 21:17
Dear Tara. I so much liked reading this post. Thank you so much for sharing so much about your life. We never know the full story about other people, so I have never understood why some people can make remark like "how can you afford that".....
Posted by: Britt-Arnhild | 22 November 2006 at 19:36
Dear Tara,
What a great piece ... it so well speaks to the ebb and flow of life, changing jobs, moving, changing circumstances, etc. Life is not static. We are not static beings. Most who find themselves in relatively comfortable positions are still filled with the possibility of a health crisis or some other unforseen event that can spin things out of control. And most people I know that are fairly well off financially, have lived through times of severe economic hardship. But as you so eloquently stated, our circumstances do not define us.
much peace and love, JP
Posted by: JanePoe (aka Deborah) | 22 November 2006 at 18:41
A beautifully written reflection, Tara. We often treasure most what we have struggled to achieve. As as you say, the most important treasures can never be taken from us.
Through your life experiences, the many people you have befriended and helped, and the constant love of your family, you will always be one of the wealthiest women I have the pleasure of knowing...xo
Posted by: susan | 22 November 2006 at 17:34
I often think those who make such statements are speaking from a place of envy and jealousy...it's easy to disparage than to celebrate which is so sad. NO ONE really knows about anothers path unless they've actually walked in their shoes.
Money issues are a plague that affects many or most at one time or another....and for those who choose to say such things to you....they should take a look around and be thankful they have roofs and food and a vehicle and comfort...then ask themselves "what is it I am lacking within to say such things to another?"
I CELEBRATE you Tara!
XOXO
Posted by: Lisa(oceandreamer) | 22 November 2006 at 17:24
Ahhh, so much of this I recognise ...
xo
Posted by: Di | 22 November 2006 at 16:54
Happy Thanksgiving, Tara, or as we used to call in in Washington, D.C., in my little French circle, Le Jour du Merci. Franglais was rife then.
I'm happy you wrote this post. It is true for most people.
Oh, and there's a "Tara heart" on my blog today.
xoxo
Posted by: Colette | 22 November 2006 at 16:34
Delurking to say brava!
It's so easy to stand on the outside looking in and think everything is a bed of roses for another. Because my husband and I are both modestly employed and have no children, we are often looked upon as being selfish and probably living the high life. But those people don't see that our lives are not lived extravagantly,that we don't buy whatever we please. They also do not know that we support a missionary family in Albania and that both of our families require financial support. We can choose to hang signs around our necks, detailing our financial circumstances as if we need to justify them, or we can live our lives as we see fit knowing that people will think what they will anyway (which they will).
I'm so glad you have come upon a good patch which allows you to take a deep breath and enjoy your surroundings. Many blessings to you as you celebate Thanksgiving. (I'll be thinking of you as we eat our cranberries ;-) )
Posted by: Star | 22 November 2006 at 16:25
I enjoyed reading about your past and how you've reached such a pleasant point in your life. There is such a flow to life that is easy to forget about when times are tough. Still, it's the flow that gets us to the next place where we're supposed to be. Enjoy every moment of your Parisian life-- and make sure to keep telling us all about it in your blog.
Posted by: ally bean | 22 November 2006 at 15:51
Tara, as someone who's been the single mom route in the past, still have a daugher in college myself (not to mention living in the model for 'This old house' - only without all their resources), I completely empathize. I'm glad you're at a time in your life where you can enjoy some breathing space; you've more than earned it. Don't let anyone else's envy and bitterness, detract from that. I know sometimes people say things jokingly, too, though, not realizing it may come across in a different way than the playful teasing they intended.
I love hearing about your adventures, and seeing all the beauty that surrounds you there, as I know so many others do, as well.
I pray life continues to get better and better for you and your family.
Happy Thanksgiving!
xo
Posted by: tinker | 22 November 2006 at 15:34